i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
