So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
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