The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
