I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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