I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
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