i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
