when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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