i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
