if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize