Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
In other news, I just burned my penis
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
