Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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