Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Alive.
So much puke
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Randomize
