I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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