Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Randomize
