You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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