You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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