so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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