shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
