Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
