all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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