If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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