Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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