drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
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