Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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