My liver just broke up with me...
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize