I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Randomize