I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
