...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
