Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
