I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
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