Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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