OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
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