You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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