i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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