i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
