FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
