tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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