I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Im just a social blackout drinker.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
