I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
