Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
