Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
