i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Randomize