dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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