If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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