I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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