So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
