as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
