Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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