is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
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