Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Actions speak louder than pants.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
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