It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
