I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
