Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
