hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
