i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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