I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
