shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
