He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Randomize
