never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
