On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
