I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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