I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
