I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
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