Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
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